rejection
recently it feels like my life has sped up a lot. for the past few weeks i've had the opportunity to socialize with others, join various hobby groups, and go out every day. it's not something i am used to. i am grateful for these recent opportunities, but there's a part of me that feels as though i have squandered it all.
for example, i had the opportunity to apply for some fellowships that i was interested in. i started to care a lot about getting into one of these fellowships, because it felt like the only way i could find a community that shared my interests. i ended up getting interviewed for 2 of them, one of which i did terribly in, and the other i felt i did alright. unfortunately, i did not get accepted into either opportunity. the rejection from the second group hurt the most, because i really couldn't think of a proper reason as to why they rejected me other than they didn't think i could 'vibe' with them. maybe i am not fit for group settings.
the night i received the rejection email i went on a long walk. i wanted to cry, but i could barely get any tears out. i don't know why, but i haven't cried hard in a long time, and i wish i could.
i know i shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. i made all these choices myself, and my mistakes were my doing. such feelings only lead to more negativity, but i can't help it sometimes.
as much as i tell myself that these things don't matter, that i can find community someplace else, that others just can't understand me ... i still think, i was really hoping i could get in. i would have liked to be a part of something.
there was something appealing about the idea of keeping myself busy with other people. i think i would have enjoyed it, even if there would have been a lot of posturing and attempting to 'fit in'. an excuse to go out, a friend group i could lean on ... this is what i'm missing out on.
i read through posts of people going through similar problems as me and one comment i liked was that 'rejections [from fellowships] are going to be the least of your worries' and i thought that was true. there are so many more important things to be rejected from in this lifetime. this is just practice.
my evenings are free, and i am alone again. life is starting to slow down, but it's not how i'd like it to be. for the first time in my life, i'm pining for a busy schedule. now what? i don't know