on comparison
more and more, i find myself comparing my accomplishments to other people's. recently i've been looking at a lot of personal websites, substacks, blog posts, twitter accounts. it's a very deep rabbit hole and arguably a very productive rabbit hole, as there is so much advice and beautiful writing that i have stumbled upon. but again, there is this problem of comparison-- i can't help myself from looking at resumes, looking at the images people post, looking at people's writing and wondering where did i go wrong? why haven't i done this yet? how are they living such great lives, while i am stuck here? i feel stuck.
i think this feeling of 'stuckness' has started to creep on me since the start of college. i go to a commuter school, meaning most of my time at college is less about networking or going to events and more about going to class and doing homework. there is no prestige, no fun, and most importantly no friends. i've had trouble making friends all my life, but now that i'm in college it feels a lot harder trying to navigate friendship. all the people that i was in contact with in high school have drifted away, and i am left with no one.
i don't want this post to be too much of a vent post, but right now i feel a need to get these feelings out. i recently read an article about getting unstuck, and the solution that was pointed out was having a sense of community, of having friends who will listen to you and let you talk about your problems, make sense of them. i don't have that currently, so this is my way of making sense of my thoughts.
i think i have a weird superiority/inferiority complex. i look down on people, but as i learn more about them i realize how much more interesting, more successful, they are. i used to think most people in tech were arrogant, egotistical, argumentative. looking at all these tech-adjacent personal websites, i see they are just regular people who like to build things, and i think a large subset of them have gone on to live great and interesting lives. when i see things like this, i feel both a sense of awe and a feeling of my soul dying inside. i fear that i haven't been able to build anything substantial. i fear that i have the same opportunities (the internet!) and i squander all my chances of becoming like them. these are my current thoughts. people say that comparison is the thief of joy, and i know this, but i can't help but think that i am so insanely behind everyone else that it might even be useless to compare myself to them because everyone is on a completely different level.
it's an unhealthy mindset. the only solutions that i can think of that would work for me are 1) meditate, get rid of your ego and stop these comparisons, and 2) accomplish your own things, go out and do stuff and you won't feel the need to compare yourself.
this was mostly a post for me to vent. i'll try not to write so much like this, but it is something i had to get out. it's been a feeling of mine for quite a while, but it's been especially hard now that i'm in college and i'm exposed to all these great and hardworking people. i still have hope that i will live a life that i can be proud of.